What is Love?

What is Love?

Love is a trope seen throughout the globe, in media, literature, TV, film and of course in real life. It is fetishised and celebrated to such an extent that Kate and Prince William’s wedding in 2011 was watched live by around 36 million viewers in the UK, and (on average) 23 million in the US. So, from Jane Eyre and Mr. Rochester in 1847, to Ross and Rachel in ‘Friends’ (ending 2004), love has been a universally popular idea that spans centuries and miles. But what makes love such a desirable, attractive idea, and why are we so obsessed with it?

The answer to this question is multi-faceted. On the one hand there is a purely scientific definition of love that depicts it as a biochemical function of human brains; on the other, love is inextricably intertwined with social and cultural ideas of happiness, labelled, and sanctioned by marriage in modern society. I am of the opinion that there cannot be a clear definition of love, and the reason love is so popular is, in fact, because of its diverse nature. 

I should note here that I use the term love to reference romantic and sexual attraction, and not platonic, self, or family love (although these are of course very important and just as valid). Love exists in many forms for everyone, rarely falls in to one category, and is ever evolving as our society becomes more inclusive and aware.

BIOCHEMICAL BASIS FOR LOVE

When we define it with science love is basically seen as a biochemical release of hormones like Vasopressin and Oxytocin from the brain. These hormones trigger a reward system cycle which means that we feel good when we are in love. Particular acts of intimacy can elicit these responses, which is why people enjoy feeling close to someone, and one reason why many of us often choose to form relationships - so we can get these happy hormone releases more often.

Interestingly - and rather amusingly - humans are not the only ones who enjoy the feeling of closeness that a relationship brings; Prairie Voles (small mammals that resemble hamsters) are often studied for their unique social lives and pair bonds. Like humans, Prairie Voles create long -lasting relationships, and show the intimacy and protective behaviours often seen in human relationships. Basically, these Prairie Voles are thought to fall in love and, much like ourselves, enjoy the happy chemical rewards. So, it seems that one reason we all love the idea of love is that is makes us happy; however, this cannot be the whole story, because surely love runs so much deeper than just biology.

LOVE  IN  THE  REAL  WORLD

So, not only is love attractive from a biological standpoint, but it is also considered to be beneficial in the real world.

Firstly, love has been sanctioned in our societies across the globe within social settings, in the form of marriage (or marriage equivalents in other cultures). Couples publicly proclaiming their love for one another is a well-documented social construct which facilitates and ‘legitimises’ people’s love within the state. Celebrity marriages are often slapped across the tabloids with talk of the bride’s dress and the respective individuals’ exes – but ultimately marketing marriage as a good thing and encourages those who consume celebrity news to think the same.

Not only does love constantly feature on TV and in social media, but love (and marriage as an associated idea) is still seen as a prerequisite of having children. Unfortunately, even today, single parents - men and women - are looked down upon as somehow doing their child a disservice, even if the choice was beyond their control, or that in choosing to be single they might actually improve the lives of their children as opposed to the unsubstantiated and prevalent opposite. In our society love and marriage are still seen as inextricably linked with having children, which means that these ideas are socially entangled and deeply entrenched. I think it is fair to say that these back-dated notions are not ideal (not to mention their lack of inclusion of the LGBTQ+ community).

What should be a take-away here is that love is socially sanctioned, and even seen to be necessary for certain aspects of life, such as having children. So entrenched is the notion of love in our societies, that we have allowed it to percolate our state systems and social ideologies to such an extent that we begin to discriminate against those who do not fall with the remits of these stereotypes.

HOW SHOULD I BE PERCEIVING ‘LOVE’?

I think I speak for many people when I say that, because of hours of watching rom-coms and soaps, I have a romanticised idea about what love should look like and what forms it takes; but the reality is that this fantasy very rarely manifests. In fact, love evolves in many forms, is unique to each individual, and cannot be constrained by a purely biological or social definition.

What is important to remember is that we can make our own choices and decide how we are going to approach any idea - including love - in our lives. If we can be aware of the pressures society places on us and on how love should exist in our lives, we can change the narrative for ourselves. Whilst there is nothing wrong with wanting to get married, having children, or falling in love, we need to equip ourselves with the knowledge that not everything we see in the media is real, and that society continually enforces out-of-date ideals on to us. This allows us to be better able to assess how we want love to actually exist in our lives.

Really, love is much more than a rush of hormones (although I imagine some neuro-chemists may disagree), and so - since we have agency in our lives and choices - we can choose how love manifests as individuals. So, the next time you are watching an epic love story on TV, or reading about the wedding of a Jonas brother, remember that everything is rarely as it appears, and that love is socially constructed, and therefore can be self-constructed too.